Episode 53 Season 2 Year 2 // Geoff's 3am Shit Story
F**kface #53 · published 2021-06-02 · archive #56

[0:00:10] Geoff: Let me ask you guys a question. Are you ready to, should we start year two of F**kface? Yeah. I guess, I guess this is it, right? This is episode 53? Yeah, but not to be confused with season two, which started a couple of months ago. Yeah, no, season two has been underway for a while. This is year two. That was the joke that actually happened. I think we like mentioned it passing, starting season two. Have we started the podcast? Yeah, we did. We did. I think it just started. Okay. The podcast has started. I don't think season, year two has started. Okay.
[0:00:40] Andrew: I just hit record, so all the whatever, if that bit was part of the podcast, I missed it. I did not get that from my perspective. Can I ask you a favor? Yeah, of course. Can you f**king record? Okay. I am. I feel like you're always the last one to hit record. I am. Yeah, why would you be in here and not recording? I hit record and then I joined. We've been telling jokes in here for ten minutes and you never thought to hit record as all the laughter was going on? Well, you left to get a soda. I didn't think that was interesting. Gavin called it a f**king work meeting because I don't know why I'm supposed to record.
[0:01:10] Gavin: Is it because you won't show up to our pre-talk so you can hear them? Is that why you want to show up to pre-talks? What's the point in pre-talks? If we arrange to talk, if that's all we do at the time, just go then. I don't get it. Why do I have to be here early? Gavin, it's just nice to tie. It's nice to catch up a little bit before the show. It's a nice little conversation.
[0:01:29] Geoff: Start catching up, right? If it's like, hey, we'll record at 12. Catch up at 12. Start recording at like 12.10. Why? I can't be early. We're just starting at 12.10. Let me start the show. Hello and welcome to episode 53 of F**king Face. This is, I don't know, we're well into season two at this point. I think four or five or seven or eight episodes. But now this is the first episode of year two. So this is season three. This is, no, no, no, no. Season two is, we're still in season two. Episode 53, season two, year two. Although those numbers don't line up. I am Jeff Ramsey. With me as always, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. Hello. How are you fellas doing this week? Great. I'm great. I want, how long was season one and how long is season two so far? Do we know this? How long is the season? Was there a writer's strike this year?
[0:02:27] Gavin: I don't know. Year one was 52 episodes. I think season one made it into the forties. Really? Okay. Are we going to do like the animated TV show thing? Where like the first season is 60 episodes and every other season is like five? Yes. Or bad with like distributing? Okay. Why does that happen? I feel like that happened with, I feel like I tried to start watching Family Guy, but I couldn't get any like coherency on when any episode was. So I just never watched that show.
[0:02:54] Geoff: I don't think you need, I think with a show like Family Guy, you just jump in wherever and it doesn't matter because it's just pop culture jokes.
[0:03:02] Gavin: But for organization's sake, I need to, I need an order. I need some sort, I can't just be spewing episodes. How do I know what I've seen and what I haven't?
[0:03:09] Geoff: That's why, that's why, I mean, it's an excellent point, Gavin. And that's why we at F*** Face take it so seriously. That's why we have an overall episode count and then we have it broken down by season and then further broken down by year, which is different than season.
[0:03:24] Gavin: You mean an episode count that isn't written anywhere in the podcast app until like the mid-40s?
[0:03:30] Geoff: Which, which is why we have to break it down into subsections. This is, we are infinitely categorized here at F*** Face to make it as easy as possible for you to enjoy the entertainment. I like when you say at F*** Face, like it's a place that we look.
[0:03:46] Gavin: Yes.
[0:03:47] Andrew: At F*** Face, World HQ. At, well, as part of F*** Face, World HQ, I want to open year two of our podcast with an apology. Oh! This is, this is, this is deep from, from the heart, Jeff. This is a very sincere apology to you. To me? I made fun of, yep, I made fun of you last week for claiming that, that people didn't know what the DMV was. So I did a poll, did a poll, got, got people's opinions. I want to apologize for the 5.5% of people who didn't know what the DMV was. It was a very important number. Very significant 5.5 of the 5,000 votes.
[0:04:23] Geoff: I would like, I would also like to point out, because I saw your dipshit little poll, where you say, do you know what the DMV is? And a ton of people said yes, and then I went and I read the comments, and a whole lot of people thought the DMV meant other shit. Nah, I disagree with that. They're like, yeah, I know what the DMV is. It's the, it's the, well, fuck, what was it? What was it? There were so many of them. There were people getting their jokes off.
[0:04:44] Andrew: You cannot count the people that were trying to get their jokes off. You cannot put that into your statistics column. There were two types of tweets. If those people are trying to get jokes off and they're voting, I can. Nah, there are two, these were the two primary comments, Jeff. The first one was people assuming I thought people didn't know what the DMV is and calling me dumb for it, thinking it was a weird Andrew thing. The second one, the second most common thing, people saying, I live in a different country and I know what the DMV is. Everybody knows what the DMV is. But I wanted to apologize. I'm not trying to rub it in your face. 5.5% didn't know. It was a very valuable part of your story.
[0:05:19] Geoff: I'm telling you, I'm not going to go back and I'm not going to run through all the dumb, all those fucking messages. But there were a ton of people that thought DMV meant something totally different. And I think, I think that the very premise of the question is false. I, well, how would you have phrased the question? I don't know because I wasn't, it wasn't my job to phrase the question because I thought it was, it was dumb from the, it could be the Department of Mexican Voters. It could be the Document of Macroviruses. It could be the Driver Motor League, which is totally different. Download music videos. What about that? DC, Maryland and Virginia or Delaware, Maryland and Virginia, which is what most people thought it was. I just saw that, that's a reminder. So many people thought it was DMV referred to the area of DC, Maryland and Virginia. And they're like, yeah, I live there. I live in the DMV metro area. So I think that you can't just throw an acronym out there and say, do you know what this acronym means? Because it could mean a million things to a million different people.
[0:06:16] Andrew: I don't know, 5,000. It seemed universal. I mean, I'm going through the comments. I'm trying to find people that relate to you. Somebody said it's obviously the district of Metro Vancouver with like a shrug emoji. Like, that's a joke. I don't know if you want to count that.
[0:06:30] Geoff: I don't think that's a shrug emoji. They're like, I guess that's what it means.
[0:06:33] Andrew: I'm pretty, I don't know. I think they're all jokes that you're trying to claim credit for.
[0:06:41] Gavin: So, Andrew, what do you think is, so 5% to you, 5% of comment leavers, you're saying aren't worth giving a shit about. What percentage would you start caring about?
[0:06:52] Geoff: I disagree. I was apologizing. Yeah, what's the minimum percentage that you need to care about the audience?
[0:06:58] Andrew: I was saying to Jeff that it's very important to include that 5.5. I wanted to apologize on behalf of the 5.5 that I didn't realize existed.
[0:07:05] Geoff: Now, Gavin, I'd like to ask you a question. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being absolute sincerity, 1 being Andrew's taking a shit on the comment leavers, where do you think he falls in that statement?
[0:07:21] Gavin: Can I answer in fractions, Jeff? Yes. Oh. 0.2. Okay.
[0:07:27] Geoff: Okay. Is that?
[0:07:28] Gavin: That's not, that's a decimal.
[0:07:31] Geoff: One-fifth. One-fifth.
[0:07:34] Andrew: One-fifth. Is that, do I want to lower? Yeah. Like, I don't understand what that means. What's the scale? Is low-high?
[0:07:40] Gavin: Yeah, that's below one. Okay.
[0:07:43] Andrew: That's okay. That's not just shitting. That's, that's diarrhea. No, it's one, but we don't know the scale. Is one good or bad? Is one very bad? One's bad, dude.
[0:07:52] Gavin: We already said that. We don't know the scale. We don't know the scale. He just listed it. What are you doing? Are you staring at a bird? Are you staring at a woman piss out your window?
[0:07:59] Andrew: No, I'm reading the fucking tweets that Jeff is claiming exist. None of them exist. I was reading through them. Can I tell you something, Jeff? I need to, a second. This is a, this is an also equally real apology. I made fun of you for the DMV thing, and I texted Gavin this later. We made fun of you about the Soho house. Once again, you not explaining the Soho house, and then you doing the whole thing, and then you explain the Soho house. I stopped listening as soon as you explained the Soho house. I had to explain it to him off to the episode. Something happened, and I got distracted, and my mind just vanished, and then I came back to you concluding your Soho house explanation. I was like, I guess I'm just not going to know what the Soho house is.
[0:08:39] Gavin: I like that as someone who's confused, your brain thinks, I need to do something about this. I need to do some work. I need to ask, so I'm not confused anymore. And then you ask, and you're like, job done. And you actually don't listen to the bit after.
[0:08:52] Andrew: No, I was trying to, I think I was trying to pull up a photo or something, and then it's just, you know, your mind wanders sometimes. Jeff is familiar with this. Oh. Happens to Jeff all the time.
[0:09:01] Geoff: Yeah, no, it sounds incredible. I'm surprised at how similar Andrew and I are in some ways. It sounds incredibly familiar. Like, Andrew's making that statement to me, and I'm like, well, yeah, of course you stopped listening. I probably did too. Right, I went there with you. I'm not listening to this.
[0:09:21] Gavin: Oh, dear. I was proofing one of the earlier episodes a few days ago. This was before the fire extinguisher. And I think it was one of the ones leading up to it. And Andrew used the phrase, you don't understand the level of elaborate when describing like all the stuff you needed to buy for the fire extinguisher. You just put it in 12 bags. What are you talking about? That was shit you could have had already under your sink.
[0:09:49] Andrew: What's elaborate about rummaging around for bags? That's a great question. Yeah, it is a great question, and I have an answer for it. As I said, I believe, last week, that wasn't my original plan. I was going to build a Dexter kill room, and that was very elaborate of like putting all the sheets up and like creating a door for it.
[0:10:10] Gavin: Yeah, but the thing is, the constant downfall with all your plans isn't like a major obstacle rearing its ugly head. You'll probably just sat there, and then you just think, nah.
[0:10:21] Andrew: No, I couldn't figure out how to tape the ceiling. It was genuinely the issue.
[0:10:25] Geoff: Gavin, you didn't understand the level of elaborate, and Andrew didn't understand the level of effort. And they just didn't line up.
[0:10:34] Gavin: You couldn't figure out how to tape stuff to the ceiling?
[0:10:37] Andrew: No, it's not my ceiling. I don't want to fuck up. I'm renting a place, so I don't want to fuck up the paint on the ceiling. It just seemed like, I don't know, I couldn't figure it out.
[0:10:44] Gavin: What do you have in the fire? Do you have like white spirit? What's in the fire extinguisher? What do you think is going to happen?
[0:10:48] Andrew: What do you mean? It fucking shoots everywhere. It's a powder. It just goes everywhere. It'd be a goddamn mess. Just sweep it up. So I need to contain it in some way. What color is your ceiling? Sweep the fucking ceiling? What do you want?
[0:10:58] Geoff: What color is your ceiling?
[0:11:00] Andrew: It's white, but it's not the same. No, it's fucking, no. That's not how that works. White, but it's chemo. It's a, I can't just fucking, that'd be terrible.
[0:11:11] Geoff: No, it sounds like it took care of itself. It sounds like you could paint the ceiling really quickly for free.
[0:11:16] Andrew: I don't want to paint the ceiling though. I'm fine with the color of the ceiling. Everything's good. It didn't even go off. So I'm glad I didn't do, well, it did, you know, like it was, it sneezed. I didn't expect it to sneeze. I got to be honest with you, Andrew.
[0:11:31] Geoff: If you're trying to keep the integrity of this apartment together because someday you want to move out and get the security deposit back, I don't think the fire extinguisher is going to be why you don't get it. I think it's going to be any of the million other things you've done.
[0:11:43] Andrew: Uh, yeah, no, that's fair. There, I mean, there's some holes in the wall. There's some falls. Falls have happened. Um, I mean, yeah, I have other issues beyond the fire extinguisher.
[0:11:54] Gavin: Do you think it's for the best you live in an apartment? Like if you lived in a house, would it just be trashed because you would care less?
[0:11:59] Andrew: No, no, I, no, I would take, no, definitely not. It'd be nice to have a house. I think Andrew's a fairly conscientious lad. Yeah, I'm pretty mindful of things. It's different, like it's a weird thing where I don't, you know, if it was my house, I would have just fired the fire extinguisher without cause, like I, whatever, I'll deal with it. But other people's spaces, you tread lightly, even as a writer.
[0:12:21] Gavin: Yeah, and I feel like you often don't want to inconvenience other people. We've had evidence of that. Oh, absolutely. Oh no, I've left water in the bath. Let me bail it out with a popcorn bucket levels of, uh, that was, that was more, yeah, I
[0:12:33] Andrew: guess what was, that was like, this is a problem I don't know how to solve, but I can't leave water. Yeah. So I guess that qualifies.
[0:12:39] Gavin: Yeah. But if it was, if you knew no one else was going in there that day, you probably would have just left it.
[0:12:43] Andrew: Uh, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I could see that possibly being the case. It was mainly just like, I want this to be somebody else's problem and to not know that it was me who caused it was more of the motive.
[0:12:54] Gavin: If you could walk away cleanly, then yeah, no, that was, that was definitely more of the
[0:13:02] Andrew: mindset of, I can't solve this. And if I leave the water in, somebody will be like, who did this? So if I remove all the water, then whoever uses that next will be like, how do I get this drain open?
[0:13:11] Gavin: And that's the incredibly honest answer you've given.
[0:13:14] Geoff: Oh man. Speaking of inconveniencing people, Gav, I feel like I should make a statement because I got a couple of angry social media, uh, uh, notices this week from people. Gavin and I have made, if you live in the central Texas area, this is not our fault. Gavin and I have made no plans to hang out in the last two weeks. I, we did not cause this rain. I have made no plans on my own without Gavin. Since the last time I made plans, I didn't make this rain. I don't want this rain unless Gavin's been making secret plans behind my back. It's not me. So stop yelling at me on Twitter and social media about it. If you live in central Texas, I didn't do it. I stopped. I stopped.
[0:13:54] Gavin: It's been stormy as shit again. And I guess we'll, we will go into this, uh, this episode. The halo bet is still on, uh, we've had some movement on it. Do we want to, yeah, I guess at this point people know that Andrew, we didn't really understand the bet. We gave Andrew another go at the level. And he did in fact beat my time. That was great. So I, uh, from when he says go, I now have a 24 hour response period to, uh, to, to beat that time, which is I think four 20 now on outskirts. Uh, last night I was, I was just thinking, I, you know, I should probably, I might, I might want to start my time now. I might want to just go straight into it. Cause I've got a busy week. I've got like a solid eight hours where I'm free. So I sat down. I just thought, yeah, I think I could do it now. I loaded up. Hey, my power.
[0:14:38] Andrew: What the storm, the storm kicked me out of that. This might be the, the change of you too. I might start winning bets. This is great. The universe is on my side. It's fucking up your power. Cause I, I texted Gavin saying I was paranoid of that happening. Uh, and, and, and I know why it didn't now. This is great. I checked even this morning. I didn't believe you that, that like you weren't going to do a move.
[0:15:00] Gavin: We talked about him starting on Friday, but also I realized I gave it, I gave a 70% at the, uh, at me being able to beat you back, but I was, my time was four 22. I was expecting to have to be a four 21, but you've given me a four 20 and I, I would like to reduce my percentage of confidence to about 30%.
[0:15:19] Geoff: Did you, did you give him a four 20, uh, as a, an insulting meme, uh, no, it's on top as well.
[0:15:26] Andrew: No, it just happened that way. I, so it took, I did two completed runs and the first one I tied him and that was honestly a little bit devastating cause I never even got close last time we did this bet. So first one I tied him and then I just got lucky at a few different spots and I was able to just get four 20, which I'm very happy with.
[0:15:44] Geoff: How long did it take you to do, to take the time back?
[0:15:48] Andrew: Uh, 90 minutes. It didn't take long at all for when, Oh wow.
[0:15:53] Gavin: Yeah. I was watching cause he, this is the first time I think that he streamed it to everyone. He just, you tweeted, didn't you? And by the time I saw that you were live, there were like 200 people watching and I was like, Oh, this is a, this is a thing now. The moment he beat it, the chat went apeshit. It was like there were 2000 people watching. It was nuts. Everyone was very excited for him.
[0:16:15] Andrew: A quiet highlight for me was about 15 minutes before I beat it. Maybe 20. I just tweeted or I texted Gavin. I hate you. And he replied, why do you hate? And then I beat the time. And as soon as I beat it, Gavin texted me back. I hate you. I replied, why do you hate? I'm very excited about this.
[0:16:31] Geoff: So Gavin, are you, are you going to, are you going to stream your attempt to, to take the title back?
[0:16:38] Gavin: Uh, well, so I, the, the, I'm not good at it. I'm no good at Halo. The only thing I've got going for me is my new techniques. So I can't give away the new techniques. So it can't, it can't be streamed and I won't reveal my new techniques until the bet's over.
[0:16:55] Andrew: That's what scares me is I don't know what his bullshit, he's cheating in some way or he's got like some weird thing.
[0:17:01] Gavin: You have, the way Andrew is doing it is like a professional speed runner. The way I'm doing it. It was like an achievement hunter.
[0:17:09] Andrew: It's getting like ridiculous. I think the world record time for that level on legendary is four minutes, 14 seconds. So like we're, we're edging to like elite territory of, as far as the time goes. Are you guys playing it on legendary? Yeah. We're, these are legendary solo speed runs of that.
[0:17:29] Geoff: So it's not lasso or anything. It's just a legendary legendary legendary legendary. We're on legendary.
[0:17:34] Andrew: Yeah. You didn't know that. Oh, you're right. Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are. Yeah, it's kind of an important thing to know. Uh, that is important. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, how did you not know that? I'll be honest. How the fuck did you get your time? How did this happen? Your time was so difficult to pass. What do you, okay.
[0:17:54] Gavin: What do you, what do you think my new techniques are? What do you think's going on?
[0:17:57] Andrew: I have no idea. You're cheating in some way. You're like either, you have all the skulls on, which means something I think, but I don't know what it means. Maybe you're like launching yourself with grenades super high. I think there's a propel one. I don't know.
[0:18:10] Geoff: He's like wedging a warthog through a gate and bouncing through it or something. Getting past the enemies. Well, I've seen whatever he's doing is immediate. He has no idea that it's legendary because he hasn't faced an enemy.
[0:18:21] Gavin: No, I will say this. My, my new techniques, they helped me a lot at the beginning. They make it much, much harder at the end.
[0:18:32] Andrew: I can't wait to find out what they are.
[0:18:34] Gavin: Like watching you breeze through the, uh, the driving sequence is a really annoying to watch.
[0:18:40] Andrew: Well, I can't figure out your beginning part. The thing is, there's one method that I haven't been able to pull off, but Gavin is aware of using a ship, a pelican to like bounce off of it. Uh, so he could theoretically just focus his run on that and beat it last night. Gavin, I was so excited by the premise of you having to suffer through this level because I've probably put like six or seven hours into it at this point. You haven't had to do much. Um, but then this morning I was just struck with fear of what if you beat the time again, I'm going to be terrified until your time is up.
[0:19:12] Gavin: The other week when, uh, you were streaming just to me.
[0:19:15] Andrew: Yeah.
[0:19:16] Gavin: I had it on it, like in the corner while I was just doing other stuff and Meg glanced it. And she was like, Oh, this is the level. I remember when you were doing this. I remember how miserable you were months ago for me. And now it's just right back in my life. And it's, it's a horrible feeling. That's why I wrote, this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened.
[0:19:35] Andrew: Oh, it's great. I can't wait.
[0:19:38] Gavin: I feel, I feel, um, like there were about 200 people watching the stream. That was like, I feel like a really special moment for all of those comment leavers who actually got to witness that happen live because it wasn't really advertised by this show. It just happened to be on your Twitter. So that was quite a, probably a cool moment to have witnessed.
[0:19:54] Andrew: Not only was this not advertised, we're the, this is the fucking worst bet we've ever done. It's a 24 hour bet. It probably will end within 24 hours. It's taken six episodes to resolve. It'll probably resolve next one. It's like six weeks of, of this process of like starting ending. I've set a new time for you the day before the episode came out that declared me the loser of the bet. We're a mess. It makes no sense. Like the organization is just dreadful.
[0:20:22] Gavin: I would love to stream it too, but I can't have you watching it. And I know that the comment leavers will leave comments for you. Yeah. Telling you what I'm doing.
[0:20:30] Andrew: So it's unfortunately going to say, I would commit to not watch.
[0:20:33] Gavin: Yeah, but you can't, people would, people can't trust, you can't trust the comment
[0:20:37] Geoff: leavers and also like, uh, what Gavin's, uh, Gavin's whole shtick is subterfuge and, uh, and misdirection. So I've got, yeah, I've got, cause I've not got that any of the talent and I've seen Andrew has it. He's got to lean into that. Well, Andrew has ability. Gavin has other skills. Where do you think you fall on that scale? Jeff? Uh, at the bottom is there like on the, in the dirt, like in the dirt next to like a rusty nail and a washer that was probably, that was probably, that probably fell off at some point. Nobody knows where to put it back. Oh, oh God. That's why I don't make these kinds of bets.
[0:21:16] Gavin: Yeah. Why have you never been involved in it?
[0:21:18] Geoff: Well, A, because if I made a bet like that, I would have to win it. Like I don't have an option internally and the amount of, so it's like, it's like when you, when you have that thing broken in you, you have to wage like, is the long-term damage to me going to be worth winning the bet? Like whatever I have to do to make sure that I win the bet, is that going to be worth it long-term for the rest of my life? And it's usually no. So I have to be very careful how I, how I, how I go about these bets. Okay. Because I will, I will, I will do unhealthy things to myself in the process of winning it.
[0:21:54] Gavin: You have been challenged though. It's not a bet, but there has been a challenge issued when, uh, with a certain beverage and a, some chuggage.
[0:22:02] Geoff: Oh my God. I forgot. I need to. Oh, Gav. I'm so sorry. I was going to do that for you and I didn't do it. I'll do it today. You can do it now. Well, I don't, I don't have, well, no, cause we're in the episode and stuff. I'll do it later.
[0:22:15] Andrew: Wait, what's the, what's the bet?
[0:22:17] Gavin: Oh, he's Jeff sent me a Tik TOK recently of a guy. It was amazing Tik TOK of a guy trying to chug a whole soda without burping a single time. And then he's like freaks out, slams his head on something. But then just the act of actually doing that is so difficult. And, uh, Meg and I, which Meg wanted to make a video of us doing it and we would send it to Jeff and then Jeff decided he would also try, but I haven't heard anything.
[0:22:39] Geoff: And then I immediately forgot. So I will do it today and I'm going to drink it. Cause all I have right now is Dr. Pepper zero sugar. So that's what I'll be drinking today. And I'll, I'll fuck dude. Text me. So I don't forget. I'll forget again. I really want to do it. I think I can do better than you did. I think anybody could do better than you did. Honestly, that was pretty funny. Are you going to release that video?
[0:22:58] Gavin: No, that was just for you. I mean, I can do one proper, but, um, I feel like if I do do it, I want to move immediately onto a second can. I want to see how much I can get. Cause I'm terrible at chugging anyway. And you, and you kind of want to burp after like a quarter of a can and it just builds up. And I guess the point where you're just like trying to swallow over the top of air that's coming up. And it's really, really weird feeling, but I want to see if I can get through two cans. I think that'd be the ultimate goal.
[0:23:22] Andrew: Can it be any soda? And are we talking cans? Like specifically just standard size?
[0:23:26] Gavin: Standard size can. And I think it could be any carbonated beverage, any 12 ounce carbonated beverage.
[0:23:32] Geoff: Are you in Andrew?
[0:23:33] Andrew: Yeah. I feel like this isn't even hard to do. I don't understand why this is a challenge.
[0:23:37] Geoff: Send them the video of you and Meg doing it. The video, the video, the Tik TOK that I sent Gavin, by the way, it was very funny. But the funniest part is after the guy, the guy almost throws up and shits his pants and he turns around in pain and slams his head into, into a garage door. And that's the real fucking, the cherry on top.
[0:24:00] Andrew: So how do, when, when can I burp theoretically? Like, is it a three count after I'm done the soda and I've done it?
[0:24:07] Geoff: You hold it as long as humanly possible.
[0:24:10] Andrew: So, but like, to what end? My goal is never to burp. Yeah, I'm going to burp eventually.
[0:24:14] Geoff: Seven days later, you can burp a week later.
[0:24:16] Gavin: Okay. No, I think the goal should be, because I feel like one is doable. Like, I'm on the brink of being able to do one. I think the ultimate goal is to get two full cans down, back to back, then you can burp.
[0:24:27] Andrew: Okay.
[0:24:28] Unidentified: I don't think that's possible.
[0:24:29] Andrew: I think I could do three. I don't think that's hard.
[0:24:32] Gavin: You got any cans nearby, Andrew?
[0:24:33] Andrew: No, I don't. If I did, I'd absolutely try it right now. I don't have any cans of anything. Damn it. I have some apple juice. I don't think that would work. That's not good.
[0:24:40] Gavin: I don't want to listen to you chug apple juice.
[0:24:45] Andrew: Oh my God. I wouldn't mind. It's a great juice.
[0:24:47] Unidentified: Rain change your picnic plans? Hey, it happens. But now everyone's indoors, cozy, and around the same table. That's a small win that feels pretty good. Just like the Minute Maid fruit drink and lemonade cartons. Always made with real juice. Always real flavor. Bring the juice with Minute Maid fruit drink and lemonade cartons. And visit the chill juice aisle in your local grocery store today.
[0:25:12] Geoff: Did I tell you guys about jet skis? No.
[0:25:17] Gavin: No, you're going to tell us about some shit, though, I think.
[0:25:19] Andrew: Are you going to tell me the origin? Yeah.
[0:25:22] Geoff: Well, I'll talk about jet skis some other time. Jet skis are great. I just discovered jet skis. Just back to back. Do both. I just fucking, I just discovered that they're a thing I'd never been on before in my life. And it was so fucking cool. Oh my God. I don't, I don't, dude, I don't fucking care. I want to get some wraparound Oakleys and a fucking girl mullet. And I just want to be like, I just want to be a jet ski lake track. I want to be like Kenny Powers in Eastbound Down in a fucking tuxedo on a jet ski. The other day, Emily and I were, it was like on a Sunday. And we were sitting around and she goes, I'm kind of bored. Do you want to do something? And I was like, yeah, yeah, let's do something. She goes, let's go ride jet skis. And I was like, A, I don't know how to do that. B, I've never ridden a jet ski. C, like, where would you even do that? And I'm like, yeah, you can figure that out. Sure, let's do it. Fifth, less than 20 minutes later, we were on jet skis. Right on the 360 bridge, Gavin, they rent them under the bridge. You fucking pay, you literally walk up, park your car, walk down. The damn thing is in the water. Some dude's like, here you go. Here's your safety briefing. Don't die.
[0:26:22] Geoff: And you're like, thanks. And then I spent two hours.
[0:26:24] Gavin: That doesn't sound like a business. It just sounds like a guy who owns a jet ski.
[0:26:27] Geoff: He got 200 bucks off me real fast. And I rode jet skis for two. How much is a jet ski? They cost like 10 to 15 grand new. I looked them up because I want to buy one. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway. Oh, it's so much more than I thought. Emily and I rode jet skis for two hours on like, we went from dam to dam, under the bridge, saw all the fucking craziest mansions, everything. It was awesome. And it's the most, it's like a bicycle in the water. It's the most fun ever. No, it isn't. It's like your bicycle in the water. It's like my bicycle in the, it's like my bicycle in the water. And what's even better is it goes way faster. I was, I thought I like, we, we only rode one and then we rode like I went first and she rode on the back and then we switched. And I hit like 27 miles an hour. And I was like, holy shit, this is about as fast as I go on my bike. And that's dangerous. I better kick it back a notch. Emily got on. She goes, hold on. And I grabbed on her. She goes, no, hold on, asshole. And I go, what? And then she floored it. She did, she did 55 miles an hour instantly. Like from zero to 55 miles an hour.
[0:27:27] Geoff: I thought I was going to die. A, she's a psycho. And B, jet skis, man. We all got to buy jet skis. I had, I don't, I can't believe 46 years of my life without jet skis. Almost 46. It's fucking dumb. And I have wasted, I have wasted 45 years of my life not on a jet ski. That's all. Interesting. That was a good story, Jeff.
[0:27:51] Andrew: I appreciate, that was a good one.
[0:27:53] Gavin: Do you know that the jet ski was popularized by a James Bond movie? Uh, what, Thunderball? Yeah, something like that. It was like a, one of those cute gadgets. It's like, check this out. It's called the wet bike. Like, it's just a jet ski. I guess they became, they became like just normal. But, it was originally like a silly James Bond gadget.
[0:28:17] Geoff: Well, I told you. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, I told you guys a good story about a happy time. A really, it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Um, if you'd like, I could tell you the least fun I've had in a long time. Yes. This is when I texted you the other morning and I said, boy, do I have a 3 a.m. shit story for you guys? Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, I, uh, the, as, as I've told you before, I'm sure you know, my dog, Arrow, uh, she does not sleep through the night, all, every night. So, uh, she's in a crate and she's older, you know, she's 14 now. And so, she has accidents. And so, I sleep literally, uh, like with half, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm like, I sleep with one eye open, essentially. Because I have to listen for Arrow in case that she barks. Because if she barks, she's telling me she needs to be let out because she, or she's going to have an oopsie. And as everybody knows, a 50 pound dog having an oopsie in a crate with diarrhea means, uh,
[0:29:18] Geoff: a day of, a day of cleaning. Yeah. And so, uh, uh, it's about 3.30 in the morning, whatever fucking day I texted you guys, it was, it had just happened. And, uh, it was like 3.30 in the morning and I hear Arrow bark and I just once. I just hear her bark once. So, I open my eyes and I go, and I listen again and I don't hear anything for a second and I go, well, better safe than sorry. I'm already awake and I'm pretty used to this game. And, uh, if you don't, if you're like, ah, it's probably fine, then you're going to live to regret it, uh, guaranteed. So, I get up and I go, I open the doors into the hallway and I instantly get hit with the smell of dog shit. And I go, oh, fuck that. God damn it. She only barked once, Arrow. And so, I, I go into the laundry room where, where her crate is and I open it and, and, and I, it's, it's like overpowering. I can tell it's a bad one. And, uh, and it's like 3.30 in the morning. The house is pitch black. So, I go and I open the crate and as soon as I open the crate, Arrow jumps out, like leaps out. And I'm like, I can't have a dog covered in shit running around the house.
[0:30:20] Geoff: That's a nightmare. So, I grab her as she's coming out and kind of pick her up and hug her. And by the way, I am in, uh, I'm just in a pair of boxer briefs. Like, I have no shirt on, no pants or anything. I just have like a pair of red underwear on and I'm barefoot and I pick her up and she's like squiggling and fighting me and, you know, and I'm like, I carry her. I like fireman carrier kind of over to the door. I open the sliding glass door. I throw her out. I shut the sliding glass door, turn around and go. Okay. I walk back into the room. I can kind of see from the moonlight. I can already tell there's shit on the floor. I'm like, and I'm like, I'm like, uh, and I kind of freeze for a second because, you know, you're like half asleep. It's three 30 in the morning. You've got a lot going on and you're like, where do I start? So I go, okay, I just need cleaning supplies. So I walk into the kitchen. I open the cabinets. I can't find any cleaning supplies. I look through the drawers. I look around the sink. I go into Millie's bathroom. I find some cleaning supplies. I come back. I, uh, at this point I'm starting to get a little lucid, you know?
[0:31:20] Geoff: So I turn on the laundry room light and I realize it's way worse than I thought. And I realized that I'm also now I look at myself. I realize I am covered in shit because era was covered in shit. So when I pick her up, I smother, she was a little squiggly. I, I, I just, she and I just wriggled around in my arms and she just coded me, coded me in dog shit. Right. So I'm like about to throw up and I like, and I look and the crate is a, is it's like a horror movie. It's like a, it's like an Eli Roth horror movie. Right. And so, uh, I, I take all the bedding out and I don't know where to put it. And I'm like, uh, I guess I'll just throw it outside right now. So I open the door and I run out cause there's like a outdoor like a table that I can put it on and I run out. And as I'm stepping outside, I see arrow and she looks weird and it takes me a second. And then I realized, oh, she's weird cause she's wet. It's pouring rain. Like I was so half asleep and it was dark. I didn't realize it was raining. So now I'm holding arrows like crate bedding, uh, like memory foam crate bedding and it's covered in shit.
[0:32:20] Geoff: And now it's covered in pools of shit. And I realized I'm looking at me and there's like, I'm getting soaked and there's just like shit sloughing off on my arm and my leg. And I, and I'm like just like soaked and I look at arrow and she soaked and we're both covered in shit. So I stick that stuff there and then I like try to shake as much shit off as I can. And I, and I leave arrow outside cause I can't deal with that right now. I shut the door. I go back in and I start cleaning up the floor, you know, and I'm cleaning up and I'm cleaning up and I'm going through so many paper towels. And then I'm like, I'm like filling a trash bag and every time I turn around, there's more shit. And then I realized that there's shit on my foot and I've been dragging shit around. And then I realized if I drug shit, if I'm dragging shit around this hallway, I must have drug it into the kitchen. I must've drug it into Millie's bathroom. So sure enough, not only was I, I, there is shit on the counter. It's on the, it's on the door, it's on the door where I got the cleaning supplies out. It's in the hallway. It's in Millie's bathroom. So 15 minutes later, I have now cleaned up all the shit that I can find that I tracked that the dog, the dog didn't track. I tracked all throughout the house. Right. And I'm sopping wet and I'm miserable and arrows outside barking and I'm scared she's
[0:33:25] Geoff: going to wake up the neighbors and I finally get it all cleaned up. And then I go and I'm like, okay.
[0:33:30] Gavin: I'm just imagining you looking like you just escaped.
[0:33:33] Geoff: I'm Shawshank prison.
[0:33:34] Andrew: Yeah, that's what I was going to say. But caked in shit. At what point do you become Andy Dufresne?
[0:33:38] Geoff: I wish it wasn't going to get worse, but it is. So I will, I go back into the hallway and I'm like, well, I guess now I'll go get Arrow and, and that, deal with that. And, and I look and we have a rug in the hallway. And of course the rug is, it's next to the, it's like a 10 foot long rug that covers the hallway and it's next to the sliding glass doors that go outside. And it is, uh, waffle stomped into it. Uh, I had, I hadn't been back in there since I let the bedding outside. Waffle stomped into it are, are, it's just like piles of, of, of the dog shit with dog footprints and my footprints and just smushed into the rug. Right. So luckily I, uh, this has happened in the past. So we had a nice rug there that we put in storage and I bought this thing called a ruggable, which is like, it looks like a rug. It's on Velcro and then you rip it up and then you can stick it in the washing machine and it's fine. Uh, it's a fucking lifesaver if you have dogs that shit everywhere. Uh, and so I'm like, well, I guess I better rip up the ruggable and start to put that in the wash. So I rip up the ruggable.
[0:34:38] Geoff: It's like a 10. So I've got like this 10 foot rug that's Velcro and covered in shit. Right. And I'm trying to like bundle that up. And then I think I should just throw this in the washer right now. So I walk over to the washing machine and I open it and in the washer is, and then it hits me, uh, earlier that night, Emily and I went on a date. It was our first date in a while and she had a brand new dress and it was this cotton dress and she had bought it for the date. It was beautiful. She looked beautiful. It was really cute. It was like a, I just, just, it was just a vision of loveliness and she was putting on makeup and she walks out of the, she like is just put the dress on. She's like putting on makeup and she bumps into something and she drops her makeup brush and it drops this, the brush goes all the way down the front of her dress with brown makeup everywhere. So we had like put shout on it immediately and shoved it in the washer and washed it. So I look at that dress and then I look at me and I think there's no way I can touch this dress. I'm going to cover this dress in shit. I've got to be, there's got to be shit on me still. So I bundle up the rug and I kind of set it aside and try to add it out of the way. And then I'm like, well, I got to get clean the dog.
[0:35:39] Geoff: I got to get the dog clean. So I had extra bedding for the dog. So I remake her bed, uh, get it set up for her, the shovel place to stay. And then I go outside in the fucking rain and I wash the dog and I wash myself with dog shampoo, just like I'm Gavin using dog shampoo and I wash the dog and I wash me at four in the morning in the moonlight, in the dark, in my underwear. And then I don't have a towel and it's wet outside. So I leave arrow out there and I come back in and I dry myself off and then I go in and I go in and I, and I get the dress and I'm whole and I get a hanger and I, cause I can't dry it. So I hang the dress. I don't know what else to do with it. And I'm walking through the hallway with it in front of me. Like it's fucking radioactive, right? Because I don't want it, I don't want it to come anywhere near me or a wall or anything because if there ends up, if I get shit on this dress in four in the morning, I'm going to fucking kill myself, right? Like a game of operation. After all of this, after all, like a game of operation after all of this and I'm slapping because I'm covered. My underwear is hanging off of me because it's all soaked with water. So my butt's hanging out and I just look and I'm a fucking mess. My hair's on my eyes and the ground's going like slap, slap, slap.
[0:36:41] Geoff: But I'm walking and right at this fucking moment, Emily opens up the bedroom doors and goes, why are you doing laundry? What the fuck is going on? And I look at her and I look at the dress and I look at me and I go, go away, leave me alone. Just go back to bed. Get out of here. And she goes, whatever. And she turns out and goes back to bed and I hang up the dress and then I put that stuff in the laundry and I get the laundry going. Then I get, I go outside to dry air off, but it's still fucking pouring rain. So I can't do that. So I bring her in and the second she gets in, she fucking shakes every bit of water off of her, right? And we're in this tiny little, in this tiny little hallway. So now the wall and the ceiling are covered in water and mud and the sliding glass doors are now obviously streaky and covered in mud. So then I spend, I put her, I dry her off. I put her in a crate and then I, I go and I, uh, and I spend another 10 minutes with towels drying the ceiling and the walls and the floor and the sliding glass door. And then I put all that in the laundry room. I look at my watch.
[0:37:41] Geoff: It's like four 15. I've been doing this for 45 minutes. I go into the shower in my bathroom. I turn off all the lights in the bathroom and I take a steaming hot shower in the dark and I wash my entire body until it feels like I'm on fire from scrubbing so hard. And then I go into bed and I lay down and I put my head on the pillow and all I can smell is shit. And Emily goes, what's wrong? And I just started crying and I cried. I literally cried myself to sleep. I like that Andrew didn't want to get white powder on his white ceiling and you were dealing with that. I don't understand how a guy who is almost 46 years old, who is relatively successful in life. I was fortunate enough to have to be able to help start a company that's gone on. I get to do what I love for a living. I don't have to worry about the bills or anything. I'm in a good place in life. Yet somehow I am so, my life is so covered in literal shit at all times.
[0:38:47] Geoff: How do I escape feces?
[0:38:51] Andrew: I can't get away from it. I love the fact that you texted us. I went back to the text. You texted us, boy, do I have a 3 a.m. shit story for you guys on Thursday. The word to pain ratio is phenomenal. I looked at that and I was like, that'll be interesting. What a horrible experience. You are a different person than you were since that point. That is an experience that would change you. Yeah, that was traumatizing. That's awful.
[0:39:18] Geoff: I mean, it's just like, the whole time I'm laying in bed crying and thinking about how unfair it is, right? Like how unfair life is. And how I'm like, and I'm just laying there going like, will there ever be a day when I don't have to clean up, when I don't literally have to clean up other people's shit every day, you know? And I've seen you clean up, I've seen you clean up lots of stuff, but you're at disadvantage
[0:39:41] Gavin: now, like there was that time where, I think we've talked about it on a f***ing face, where your freezer turned off and you had to clean out rotting meat for like an hour and a half. A full cow. But at least, yeah, at least back then though, you just went in and like grabbed an entire six pack and threw it on the ground and just started drinking. You don't have that anymore. You have to do this entirely sober and it's just feces.
[0:40:02] Geoff: Oh, and the whole time I'm laying in bed crying and whining to myself that it's not fair. I'm just thinking like, again, really? Like, why does this, why does this keep, what am I doing wrong?
[0:40:14] Gavin: And I think a part of the sadness must be that, you know, it's not the last time you're going to do that. No, dude. No, that's in your future.
[0:40:20] Geoff: I don't know that it's not going to happen again tomorrow. It's like every night I go to bed and I lay my head on the pillow. So I think like, is, is, is this what, what, what, what, what horrors await me four hours from now? I don't know. Can you get little night nappies for dogs? Little dippies? If it wasn't this, it'd be something else, you know, it's just, it's always something. It's, it's just, ugh. Anyway, so that was, that was, that's how, that's how I sleep.
[0:40:51] Andrew: Well, hey, you know what, Jeff, you found jet skis. That's in your life. That's the new light in your life. That's the balance is the counter to the dark. You have jet skis.
[0:40:59] Geoff: Well, here, you know, now that I bring up the jet ski thing, I realized I may have been a little, little, a little presumptuous in claiming no, no fault in the rain. I have wanted to ride a jet ski every day since we rode jet skis and it has rained pretty much now that I'm putting two and two together here, Andrew, now that you said that I have literally, I wanted, we were supposed to ride jet skis yesterday and it rained. I don't think it's a Gavin Jeff thing. I might be me in the fucking jet skis again.
[0:41:28] Gavin: It's a Jeff thing. It's a Jeff in, it's a Jeff getting wet thing. It's a Jeff in the sun thing.
[0:41:34] Geoff: God! I just want to have fun!
[0:41:37] Gavin: I have a question about jet skis. You know how they, they just fly along, but they also shoot out that little stream of piss out the back. Yeah. Is that for a function or is that to look cool? No clue.
[0:41:50] Geoff: Mine didn't have the jets. They don't all do the spray out there. Oh, okay. Mine didn't have that. So I don't know. But Emily did point out, she's like, why does theirs do that and ours doesn't? No, no clue. I assume that there's a reason for it. Yeah. I can't think of it though. I'm going to Google it. I don't know, man. I, I, I, I, I'm just realizing now that the only way I'll ever be able to find out is to jet ski again. And the only way I'm going to be able to jet ski again in Austin is on accident. Why do jet skis piss?
[0:42:18] Andrew: I, I did the same thing. I went to search, why does water in the autofill was shoot out of my mouth, which seems like a completely other problem.
[0:42:26] Gavin: Wait, what are people asking? They don't know why water's coming out of their mouth?
[0:42:29] Andrew: I guess when, yeah, when I, when I filled out, when I read out, why does water shoot out? The top thing was out of my mouth.
[0:42:36] Gavin: I've had a forum post, a question. Why do jet skis pee? The first answer is no idea, but it's my main reason for not wanting one. Oh, apparently it's a visibility spout. Ah, really? I feel like the actual jet ski is way more noticeable than the white mist coming out the back of it.
[0:42:57] Geoff: Yeah, I'd agree with that. And if you don't know, like, if you don't see the jet ski, if Emily's driving and I'm in the back, you definitely hear, you definitely hear me going,
[0:43:05] Gavin: I think you've had your one good experience with a jet ski. I think you should call it a day there because the more you do something that I feel like the worse you get at it, you get confident, but you don't build up any skill. It's like the time you flip through the air on that Vespa. It's only going to happen on a jet ski.
[0:43:27] Geoff: Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're probably right about that. I should leave well enough alone. Also, I just, I mean, my bamboo appreciates the rain. It's got to come back from the fucking apocalypse we had. But I just, I got to stop making plans. I, fuck, man. I thought I was in the clear for this until Andrew put two and two together for me. This is really annoying. How would you feel about a day of plan the next time it's sunny?
[0:43:56] Gavin: Okay. Now, do you think that will prevent it becoming sunny again? The fact that the universe now knows about our spontaneous plan? I don't know.
[0:44:04] Geoff: It's interesting. It's interesting. It's funny you say that because Jack invited me to something this weekend, and then I thought, well, that's a sure sign that it's going to rain. So I don't even know that we could do a day in, day of. Fuck, dude. Is Jack still a super fan? Did he retire? He's not retired. He's fighting his way back. Oh, okay. He's a really good fan.
[0:44:28] Andrew: Yeah?
[0:44:29] Geoff: Yeah. I don't know that I would declare him a super fan again just yet. I see.
[0:44:33] Andrew: On the chart, he's on the way there.
[0:44:35] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:44:35] Andrew: I'm on Jet Ski message boards right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to go deeper into this. I really appreciate somebody just calling it the vertical pisser, which is great. People trying to figure out how to disable their vertical pisser. It appears to be a term.
[0:44:48] Geoff: Have either of you ever ridden a Jet Ski?
[0:44:50] Andrew: No. I have not. I've seen Macho Man got knocked out by one. Macho Man or Hulk Hogan? I don't know. I think it was Macho Man. There's a great Baywatch episode with wrestlers, and it's fantastic.
[0:45:03] Geoff: Have you ever seen the video of Kanye hitting the beach and throwing Kim off the fucking Jet Ski?
[0:45:07] Andrew: No. Oh, my God.
[0:45:08] Geoff: Are you serious? Oh, my God. Hold on. I will find it. I'd love to see that. Because it's crazy, and then you realize it's two fucking billionaires doing it, and you're like, oh, my God.
[0:45:21] Andrew: My favorite weird Kanye thing is when he showed his game at some, I think he was debuting a new album, and he showed a trailer for the game he was developing at the time. And people didn't cheer enough, and he yelled at them for it, and then made them play the trailer again so people could cheer appropriately. It's great. He's like, video games are fucking hard. You guys don't get it. You need to appreciate this shit. This shit's amazing. And he just ran the trailer back so people could cheer louder the second time. It's great.
[0:45:50] Gavin: Oh, is this the video? Watch this video.
[0:45:52] Andrew: Okay. Any YouTube video that has raw HD video in the title is always great.
[0:46:01] Geoff: Holy shit! Yeah. That's Kim hitting the ground right there. Why did he do that? I don't know.
[0:46:12] Unidentified: Is that really them? Yeah. That's a famous clip.
[0:46:16] Gavin: I'm going to watch that again. He almost killed that woman.
[0:46:19] Unidentified: Yeah. He damn sure did.
[0:46:28] Gavin: Oh, God. They get some height. That's like probably falling off a roof. Oh, yeah. I think the thing about jet skis is they're clearly a lot more dangerous than they look. Oh, yeah.
[0:46:41] Geoff: Do you think I think we need to have a face jet ski party next time Andrew's in Texas when we can finally all be together? We're going to have the most fun.
[0:46:53] Andrew: Do you connect with the Tiger King guy on a whole other level now? Are you bonded with that man in a new way?
[0:46:58] Geoff: I'm embracing my inner Alabama. Finally, after all these years. I'm telling you, it is. I get it. It's fucking fun. It almost makes up for all the times in life you have to clean up shit as it gets crusted into your body hair and into the crevices of your body so that you have to take a scalding hot 4 a.m. shower just to try to cleanse yourself.
[0:47:23] Gavin: I can imagine getting myself into a situation. Remember that GoPro video of the guy on the speedboat with all the people around him and they all just get like smashed around. It's one of the most brutal. It's weird. It's like it's in a realm where it's like it's you want to look at it and it's a little bit funny, but then you realize that everyone on the boat is probably the worst day of all of their lives. Oh, yeah. It's it's a brutal video, but it's just so fascinating to watch from a locked off perspective. People just getting rattled around like you can't really even see what happened to the boat. Yeah, just like it looks like they're in a washing machine.
[0:48:02] Andrew: Do we know if the Kim Kanye jet ski video is that before after the bound to music video because it really changes the context of that from well, yeah, it's just like the whole concept of like her positioning on that bike that he's driving. It's a different context within this video. It is hard for me to imagine that this happened and then they made that video. I feel like the video almost certainly was before this happened. I do not see Kim Kardashian being in any vehicle after this incident, especially where he's driving. Oh, all I can see is to slow down. I don't know. He like he cranks it up.
[0:48:45] Geoff: Oh, God.
[0:48:46] Gavin: It's just like a great moment in time. Well, there was a time where they were both in the air flying off a jet ski. Just like there was another great moment in time where light left the sun flew across space, bounced off the moon, bounced to earth, bounced off some dog shit and into Jeff's eyes. Oh, that's another great moment in time. What a journey.
[0:49:12] Geoff: Anything shitty happen to either of you guys recently?
[0:49:17] Andrew: Oh, man. Oh, man. No, I mean, that's a whole other level. I'm just all that like touch the sky. There's so many great Kanye connections. It's just the accident. It's fantastic. I can't say. OK, so I had one thing happen to me, and you guys have seen the photo for it, but there isn't there isn't context for it. This happened last week. I didn't mention it. I talked to Jeff about this. I have made a life changing realization. It's a big change. It's great. I would strongly recommend anybody do this. I used to when I would make hash browns, I'd use buttons. This is a game changer, Gavin. Don't fucking laugh. This is a serious business. I have recently switched. The pan was too hot. I was like, if I put butter in there, it's just going to burn immediately. What do I do? Put in some olive oil. Greatest cook of hash browns I've ever had. Fantastic. I've switched from butter to olive oil. It's a great mix.
[0:50:11] Gavin: So you're making hash browns from scratch, or you're just like heating them up?
[0:50:15] Andrew: Like frozen hash browns. Throw them in a pan. Throw them in a skillet. Whatever. Or cook them up. But I'd always use butter, and the butter would burn, and you wouldn't get a good crisp on the hash browns. You want to crunch on it. So I've switched to oil. I can cook it at a higher temp. I get a better crust. It has been a game changer in the thing. Like Jeff and Jet Skis, I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life cooking hash browns with butter.
[0:50:38] Geoff: Huge mistake. This illustrates, by the way, I'm always interested in how we interact individually in our friendships, like in pairs, right? And you guys have your halo bets and stuff. Andrew's reminding me of this conversation. Andrew and I apparently have very long, very dry conversations about which oil smokes at which temperature. And what is the best cooking oil. We're talking about smoke points. We're talking about smoke points of like safflower oil versus peanut oil versus avocado oil versus olive oil versus canola oil. Like that must have been a two hour conversation Andrew and I had.
[0:51:20] Gavin: So you're talking level of excitement similar to the conversation about what you saw out your window last week.
[0:51:25] Geoff: Yeah. Yeah. This is what I get from him. Yeah.
[0:51:28] Andrew: No, this is what we had. It was a realization that the smoke point is like the culinary equivalent of miles per hour. You want a high smoke point. Like that's what you're looking for. I'm excited about it. And avocado oil was the number one and I've never used it. Jeff suggested avocado oil. I didn't even know that was a thing. I haven't done it yet, but I'm excited to try it. But anyway, it was late one evening and I was like, you know what, fucking I'm just going to let's make some hash browns. I feel like having a good morning. Let's start this day off right. I'm going to make some hash browns in the fridge. I pull them out and they're shredded hash browns and the entire thing is a fucking block of ice. It's just, you know, like where the ice freezes over the potato or whatever. It's like an iceberg. It's huge. And I'm trying to break it in half. I can't figure out what to do with the ice. And so I'm pounding it with a knife, but then that's putting holes in the bag. And so then the bag just doesn't become usable. So I thought, fuck it. I'll just put it in the pan as a giant icicle and the pan will melt it. So I throw some olive oil in there.
[0:52:29] Andrew: I put the entire bag of shredded hash browns, just this huge, like three pound chunk of potato, put that in the pan. And it's like, it's not cooking very great, but it's like we're slowly melting and I'm able to break it. And then I encountered this problem about halfway through where I guess from all the water from the ice surrounding the potato, they cease to be hash browns and they just turned into mashed potatoes. And I didn't, I didn't know what to do for this point. I was not prepared to make mashed potatoes and I messaged the slack. It was like 3am. I was like, what do I do? How do I salvage?
[0:53:07] Gavin: That looks disgusting.
[0:53:08] Andrew: Yeah, it's not good. It didn't look good at all. So I didn't know, do I put an egg in it? Do I throw some milk in there? Well, I don't know how to make good mashed potatoes. I'm not a big mashed potato person.
[0:53:20] Gavin: Oh, so your plan is to pivot.
[0:53:22] Andrew: Yeah. At this point, the hash brown dream is dead, Gavin. There's no way that those just cease to be hash browns. I now have mashed potatoes and the conversation becomes, well, how do I make decent mashed potatoes? What do I do here? If you fry mashed potatoes, isn't that kind of hash brownie in texture? There was no fry happening to these things. Like it was just, they were, it was so thick. It was like solid, weird mashed potato. And I didn't know what to do. It was 3am. So much. Yeah. So there's nobody I could, I just messaged the slack. I was like, I don't, I doubt anyone's awake. If they are, what do I do? How do I get out of this problem? Do I put an egg in? I don't know. I didn't, I didn't put any eggs and I had a few eggs in my fridge. Didn't put them in. I put half and half in there. That was my first step. I'm like, I'll throw some half and half in. That seems like a thing you would do. Then I threw a, I don't know. It's just, I feel like there's milk and eggs, a little half and half, or not milk and eggs, milk and mashed potatoes. Um, so I put that in, then I threw some butter in there.
[0:54:23] Andrew: Cause I feel like that's probably another thing you put in mashed potatoes. I put a lot of butter in. I put way too much butter in. And then I threw some cheese slices in because cheese, melted cheese is just good. There's no way in the mouth of cheese could make it worse. And, uh, I just kind of stirred it all up. It was, it was horrible. I couldn't, I didn't take a photo of it.
[0:54:44] Unidentified: Oh no. Oh no. He made me laugh. And I pooped a little bit. I think I'll be back. Oh shit.
[0:54:51] Gavin: How he's tested for shit in future. He just shot himself now. And I'm staring at a frying pan full of potato and he's shit himself. Year two off to a great start.
[0:55:08] Andrew: It's a great, this is a great start to.
[0:55:10] Gavin: And you're, it's like, it's like when Mr. Bean wrecks, uh, Whistler's mother, right? And he's just trying to like add shit to it. Why are you trying to throw cheese and eggs onto your mistake? Why do you start again for Christ's sake?
[0:55:23] Andrew: What do you mean start again from what? I have, that was the bag. Where do I start from? I can't throw away. I have one bag. What do you mean? Like just create hash browns? Just fucking summon hash browns. Just summon a bag of hash browns. That's great advice.
[0:55:36] Gavin: I feel like you could have dumped out some of the mash and just like got a nice little fry on.
[0:55:41] Andrew: I could, well maybe, but like, as I said, I didn't know what to do. Gavin, when you're making hash browns and they suddenly turn to mashed potatoes, you are stunned. It is hard to process what to do next. I was trying to just go through the scenario. Are you okay, Jeff? Yeah, I caught it. I caught it. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I caught it.
[0:55:58] Geoff: It was in the cheeks. You made me laugh right as I was farting and like it put a little pressure. And so I felt like a little hot squirt and I just clenched up and I ran in the bathroom and I was able to save the, like, no, it was clean. We're good. We're good. But it definitely, it definitely was clean. There definitely was an escape. I clenched it. I kept it in. We're good. But, but yeah, I definitely shit a little bit there. As if, as if, fucking why not? Shit the dog, shit myself. Who cares?
[0:56:29] Andrew: I mean, it tastes, I'll just say it tasted delicious. I can only eat a little bit of it. I think we recorded the next day and I felt so sick the next morning. Is it because of the butter? I think, yeah, it was just so oily and like cheesy and just awful. I threw 95% of it away. I tried like 5%.
[0:56:47] Gavin: You don't always have to power through. You don't always have to add stuff and then still eat it. Like you got to the point where I, it's 3am for me. If it's 3am for me and I've got a frying pan full of mash, I'm probably going to throw that away. I'm probably not going to try and make that into some sort of weirdo omelet and get it down.
[0:57:05] Andrew: Oh, I didn't listen. There's no eggs. I don't think it would be an omelet territory, but I got some milk in there. I, the, the official combination was milk, butter, cheese, and it was delicious as I said, but not meant for this world and could not contain in anyone's stomach. It was dreadful. So I threw, as I said, no, I said I threw 95% of it away. I just gave a little taste. I just wanted to see what it tasted like. And I was like, this is really good. Can't eat this. This is death.
[0:57:31] Geoff: I threw it away. So should, so should that, should that be in the official face recipe book?
[0:57:37] Andrew: No, no, it should not be in the official. If you want to feel sick, maybe, maybe we just put like a shitty recipe section. Yeah.
[0:57:44] Gavin: So you're, you've learned that wet hash browns become mash.
[0:57:49] Andrew: Yes, I have. I didn't learn that.
[0:57:51] Gavin: Interesting.
[0:57:52] Andrew: Yeah. That's a good life lesson.
[0:57:54] Gavin: Were you, were you stirring it up though? Were you like fluffing it more into mash as it was cooking?
[0:57:59] Andrew: Uh, well, it was a weird thing where it was an iceberg, essentially, Gavin, remember? Yeah. So it was tough. Like I was trying to just break it down and get all the potato hot so it would melt faster. And I think just in that process created the, the hash brown issue.
[0:58:14] Geoff: I think you were fucked from the jump because of the ice cream.
[0:58:17] Andrew: Oh, totally. Yeah. Absolutely.
[0:58:19] Geoff: It was not savable for, at any point.
[0:58:22] Andrew: I think I needed to find a way to get rid of the water. Well, I'm like, maybe like I could have put it in the microwave for a little bit. Like I needed to melt. I needed to separate the water from the, I think I needed it in a sieve above some sort
[0:58:34] Gavin: of collection.
[0:58:35] Geoff: I think it just, the, the, the potato had just been, it would, it was just too soaked through at that point. I think that the, as it, as it melted, the integrity of the potato would suffer.
[0:58:44] Andrew: Okay. Let's, you know what? Maybe, maybe I'll try again. Oh, I don't know how I'd simulate that again. I, there, there'd be next time I'm prepared though. I'll know not to just put the whole thing in the fucking pan.
[0:58:56] Gavin: What are, what are all the bits in the potato?
[0:58:59] Andrew: What are all the bits? Oh, the bits are, uh, it, it crusts. On one side. Those are like crunchy crust bits when it was like flat. Cause I tried to, that, I thank you for saying that. You reminded me. I realized something was wrong when my, my hash brown started whistling, uh, and inflating. Once it started to, like I would, I tried to compress it to like get a sear on a side to like create a crust on it. And, uh, it would start to inflate from the pan. Like it was a balloon. And then, so I poked the hole in it and it just started to whistle.
[0:59:34] Gavin: And I was like, this is probably inadvertently created some like advanced mechanical engineering demonstration of sinkholes or something like weird chemistry and shit going on underneath that must've been insane.
[0:59:47] Andrew: That's like my story. I'd recommend the switching olive oil. That's the heart of the story. If you're using butter to cook hash browns, pivot to olive oil or some other type of oil with a high smoking point, avocado oil. Maybe I haven't tried it.
[1:00:00] Gavin: I'm looking at this disgusting picture of, it looks like someone just threw something into a pan. I'm going to get an advice.
[1:00:06] Andrew: Next time I make it, Gavin, I'll send you a photo. You'll be impressed. You'll be like, those are pretty fucking good. Those look good.
[1:00:12] Gavin: And I don't know what it is about the lighting in your apartment, but it makes everything look disgusting. It makes everything look way worse. It looks like way more dingy than it probably is, but that looks just right.
[1:00:23] Andrew: Oh, it's very nice. Yeah. It looks great. I took several photos of that too, to try to make it look as nice as possible. I was like, this is my favorite part is just the lump of it.
[1:00:36] Gavin: That's slightly too high up the fork. It's out of the forking zone.
[1:00:44] Andrew: Well, I forgot the fork. I didn't notice that. I clearly was just like, I don't know what to do here. I need help. I would like to salvage these. How do I get?
[1:00:52] Gavin: We get so much enjoyment from the additional snippets just in. Around your photos. Yes. The other identifies. I'm learning little pieces about your life just by the stuff that's in your photos.
[1:01:11] Geoff: Should we stop talking to each other?
[1:01:12] Andrew: Yeah. I feel like this is a good episode.
[1:01:16] Geoff: I ain't fucking taking a nap after that. I'm tired. Eric wanted us to mention that we sell merchandise. And so there you go. What do we sell? How many face merch items do we even have? Well, we got the Ian shirt. We've got the face shirt. We've got the Russian fuck hat. I'm going off the top of my head. We got the Zimmer zone shirt. Child kicker. We got the chocolate shirt. We got the waffle scented air freshener. We have the child kicker sticker. We got the sockets. We've had a couple of bats. There will be. I am prototyping the always falling proto face socks. They're pretty rad. The two left socks. Oh, been digging those. So hopefully those will be out at some point. And classic from season one. Yeah. A classic from season one and year one. I don't really know what else. Eric says 11. He says we have 11 faces to sell covered all of it.
[1:02:17] Geoff: There you go. So there, Eric. I mentioned the merchandise.
[1:02:21] Gavin: Oh, I forgot to even talk about how I thought Andrew died on while he was streaming.
[1:02:27] Geoff: Oh, well, hold on. Let's. All right. Well, let's let's get into that real fast. We already teased the bullshit merch. Now we can talk. Let's talk about that. What's going on? He was streaming.
[1:02:36] Gavin: He like finally got like past this really hard bit. He was pretty much on on part to beat my time. And then he just paused the game and went silent. And everyone was like, is he OK? And I thought I was just egging him on too much and making him too stressed. I thought he had a heart attack and dropped dead. I was like coming to terms in my head with I've just killed him.
[1:02:58] Andrew: So what happened was I just hit pause by accident. And then everyone's like, what happened? And everyone was speculating. So I just sat and read as people were like, he went for like 50 seconds straight. Yeah. It's just enjoying people be like, what the fuck happened? Is everything OK? It's great. That's fine.
[1:03:17] Gavin: I was I was probably 30 seconds away from calling you. If you answer, I was going to call 911 and deploy people to Canada somehow. I didn't know how I was going to do it.
[1:03:28] Geoff: Good episode. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I should also mention June 25th will be the next face break shit live stream. So if you liked the first one, you can watch it again. Or if you didn't like the first one, watch the second one. You'll like this one. We'll do it better. Or if you've never heard of it. Now's your chance to hear of it. Stop being a dickhead and watch our content. And this one will be good because I have a special card. I have special stuff for Andrew and I have special stuff for Eric. And I bought special stuff for my little Gavin. And I even bought some special stuff for regular fan Jack, including something I haven't got for me yet, but I'm looking forward to as well. So hopefully this one will be even. It'll be the second one. So, you know, it'll be twice as good as the first one, which wouldn't be hard to do. And that's it. This is face. Bye.
